No Son of Mine
Posted on September 28, 2007
Filed Under Parenting |
My father was an alcoholic and a horse gambler. And, while he was a natural athlete and coached little league with an unmatched passion, my father never made the time to teach me how to play baseball . . . or even have a father-son catch. Due to a lifetime of poor choices, Dad missed out on the bulk of my childhood. In the end, he lived a hard life, lost everything that was dear to his heart, and died alone in an abandoned warehouse.
In spite of his faults, I don’t ever recall my father speaking harshly to me. Never once did he call me a “loser” . . . or lecture me on how I’d never amount to anything. Admittedly, I carry around with me the disappointment 
of how different–and better–my childhood might have been had Dad been sober, a provider, and a man of his word. At the same time, I’m thankful that I don’t bear the scars of this kind of verbal abuse.
I recently shared my story in a new book called Finding Home. Dr. Dobson and I talked about it on the Focus on the Family broadcast which prompted a moving email from a woman. She, along with her thirteen-year-old son, were listening or, as she writes, were “captivated.” Evidently, they took real encouragement from the brokenness of my past–especially the part how God transformed those painful pages of my life into a story that only He could write.
You see, this woman had been divorced for a number of years. When her son was visiting his dad, this angry, bitter man unleashed a torrential downpour of hatred and rage upon the boy. Without rehearsing the terrible names he used to rip into his son, suffice it to say that the hostility was intense, and inexcusable. In the end, the dad said, “I disown you as my son.” What incredibly painful words for a thirteen-year-old boy to hear.
Imagine being thirteen, that age of transition from young boy to a young man. A time filled with uncertainty, not to mention the emotional, hormonal, and physical changes that can be utterly confusing and unsettling even in the best of times. To hear your father vent–not just once, but over an extended three-day period–had to have done serious damage to this youth.
I’m thankful my story provided this woman and her precious son with a ray of hope as well as the good news that God hasn’t finished writing his story yet. As I read her email, I was also reminded of a verse from the book of James in the Bible which says, “the tongue is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” Isn’t that the truth. Words can wound, deeply. Proverbs puts it this way, “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
Seems to me that one of the greatest gifts we can give the next generation are words that bring healing and give life. Perhaps the best place to start is how we speak to one another in the home.
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4 Responses to “No Son of Mine”
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Jim Daly is the President of Focus on the Family. He has been married to his wife, Jean, since 1986. They have two sons. The Daly family resides in Colorado Springs. Finding Home represents Jim's musings on work, family and faith.
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Could not agree with you more, the home is the one place in this gnarley world a FAMILY member should expect leadership, warm welcomes and encouragement. You appear able to deliver those attributes, possibly more aptly and willingly given your fathers shortfalls. I drank my share of alcohol, following the leadership of my father and his aquaintances, I have paid my dues personally, and some of those I care deeply for had to help, but praise the Lord my children have never had to see that side of me, I was delivered from that bondage a mere two years before I had children after 20 years of drinking with a reckless abandon. I’m now 47.
I said in an earlier post, I dislike the words “SANE & INSANE”, likewise I dislike the words “ALCOHOLIC & ADDICT” for the very same reason. These literary elements man has invented don’t have the power we insinuate they do, we have made it so easy for man to throw up his hands and blame the world around him for his circumstances even when the root cause is his chosen behavior. We even grant him justification through these words society has replaced “GOOD and EVIL” with.
When was the last time you saw a can of beer jump onto a man, throw him to the ground, and dump itself down his throat? Or a cigarrette fly between his lips and ignite?
Godless existence & Poor choices, lead to poor circumstance, poor circumstance leads to poor example, poor example indoctinates the innocent into poor circumstance, and poor choices will again likely emanate as a result of those experiences. Sounds like generational curses to me, PRAISE God He has provided a means to end them, if my children drink, it won’t be due to my example. God’s wrath for poor leadership is immediate, and most severe when it impacts His people……CHILDREN are His people at INCEPTION.
Because sin “thrust itself in,” God sent His Son into the world.
God Bless,
Tom S
I despise the things I’ve said to my beloved children in unguarded moments. I keep short accounts and seek their forgiveness, and they grant it. (Their grace overwhelms me.)
There’ve been times when I’ve felt that I’ve messed up my kids. I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if,”That’ll leave a mark.”
How much we need to realize that God is at work in their lives and that we need to depend on Him to raise them.
Love, indeed, covers a multitude of sins.
[…] culture. You can read more about Jim’s background and passion for hurting families on his blog. […]
The christian community has no idea how many boys are taking a beating from their dads.
On my son’s 16th birthday he decided to let his father know he could no longer go visit him. He told him as a christian he did not want to be exposed to the trash his dad was/is lving in.
Here is a young man 6′2″./ 230 lbs holding a pillow sobbing on the couch.
Only God knows the pain/rejection these boys carry.
He gave His only son, my only solace is~
He knows our pain.